haruko_land

the last days

Thu, 24 Sep 2009 10:41:17 GMT

yeah so...hi guys XD. i am sorry for not posting that long. and i have to admit that my myspace blog is more up to date then my lj is ^^°.
that will never happen again XD i promise.
so whats up these days.... u can check my worse wednesday on my myspace blog:

www.myspace.com/harukosama

because i dont want to write about it again.... too bad.
my pc kind of exploded two weeks ago X_X and i feel sick and naked without it XD.
but whatever. i´m fine though. but i miss NANA because i cant write her on msn anymoreQ__Q NANAAAAAAAAAA...... beside that nothings new. just the same old song all day....school, homework, art, literature......i dont have much time for myself but for now i have enough sleep ^^°.

i promise i will post here more often again^^. love u guys <3. oh and: alex...u know i miss u more then anything <3<3, i hope u are fine.

u should

Sat, 12 Sep 2009 22:20:36 GMT

- live ur life like u want to
- dont care about all the stupid things
- erase people who just dont deserve to be in ur life
- see that this life is too short to wast time
- do what ever u want and feel like
- not care about what other people think
- be ur own hero
- become what u feel like
- say "fuck you" to everyone who fucks u up
- rebel if u need to
- never lose urself
- get everything u want
- dream ur dreams and then live them

we just have this one chance

...

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 18:44:50 GMT

burning down bridges i build, erasing people from my life for now...or for longer..., praying for sleep, praying to not throw up the meals because of stress and depression, trying not to lose grip and "fall" off the overpass, trying to save the last pieces of a functioning life, a functioning self, a functioning body, trying to reach out for help, never finding some, begging for someone who understands, begging for honesty from others, hopeing for my eyes and my mind to find a way,
no way
nothing
just a hole
deep
black
cold
lonely
but silent
nice silence
closeing my eyes
fading away into silence

first school day

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 17:59:59 GMT

yeah...so...ahm...this day was soooo long and sooo fucked up.
the new school is so disgusting and its in a dangerous area x__x...
wtf...
and i am too tired to write... so maybe tomorrow

summer is over

Sun, 30 Aug 2009 17:24:03 GMT

finally summer vacation is over and school will start tomorrow again. time went by so fuckin fast, i cant believe it. 3 and a half months to go til my birthday comes up x__x. and then the year is almost over too...that makes me kinda sad... at first i thought this summer would last 4ever...it definitly felt like it. whatever.

i´m curious about the new school and to see some of my friends again in class.i wonder what that year will be like...it will be a lot of work for sure.

yesterday was a nice day because i talked with ryo on the phone for loooooong XD. yeah we both forgot time ^^. its weird how natural it feels to talk to her and how much i love to make her laugh, but....i´m still not sure how to handle that situation... i guess time will bring the answer. ryo didnt feel so good yesterday and i am a little worried about her and how she feels today...i hope she is fine. ...i...have to admit that she makes me feel comfortable...i dont know how she is doing that, but the truth is she makes me feel better. still.....i dont trust her. i know this is stupid...but i cant do anything against it. i still need time to see that she really IS diffrent, even if she told me she wont break my heart.
i guess...maybe...it could be that..... possibly... i like her...

i cant

Wed, 19 Aug 2009 09:00:22 GMT

yesterday in the late evening, or better say night?, i realized something... kaku is allways right. its really true. he is allways right and thats way i´ll stop searching. he said i have to stop it and, as soon as i do so, everything would roll on its own. its hard for me to stop searching because of the story with the old man sitting on that bench in the park. i will never forget his face. this impression of utter lonlyness and something else...i dont know what, but...it was hard to look at this man without seeing myself in him, knowing his feelings so well and realizing that this is what i am so afraid of. the only things this man had where the bread, the birds and himself. but if u look at it another way aroung he didnt even had the birds. because they where only with him because of the bread. what makes it even more sad. this is my ultimate hell and the worsed thing that could happen to one. in hope that kaku is right again i´ll stop it, or try to stop it, and try not to think about it.
i know most of u guys wont understand that entry.
but i dont care much right now.

ending vacation

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 08:42:30 GMT

two more weeks to go til school is starting again. but i dont mind. what i do these last days isnt very intressting. i started to work on the kittchen and give it a new look. but that has to rest until the materials are arriveing. furthermore i am planing to change some things in my room. i´ll throw away some stuff and put in some new. it´ll look cool after remodeling. (^w^)d
what else to tell...ahm... its hot x__x. it really is and i am glad i dont have to go anywhere today. i hope my ryo will be online today. i miss her already. i guess we finally got one step further, but still...it will take long for both of us to decide or even know what to do or what we want. i dont know. we´ll see.

thats it for today.

X__X

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 10:24:34 GMT

i am sick.... i dont know what happened, but i guess its the stuff i got injected yesterday....so its the doctors fault that i am sick. everything hurts and my appetite is on vacation.

unsure but sure

Sun, 09 Aug 2009 20:58:44 GMT

today was...a little odd. i dont even know how i came to that theme but this morning i started asking myself if i´m going the right way and making the right decisions. but after some text messeges with my friend henni i stoped scaring myself. she gave me new hope and comforted me again. thanks ^^.
i know that the way i chose is the right one, but sometimes i wonder about all the things that could go wrong n stuff. but everytime i end up knowing that the way i go is the only way for me. its everything i want and includes everyone i want to have in my life.
this feeling of beeing caged will make me go crazy and it will kill my talent if i dont break out. and the only way to do so is to follow the way i chose and step forward and not back. i am slightly aware how long this way might be, but the final length will show up with every step i go on. i know where i belong and this place is not here. for sure not.

surgery

Thu, 06 Aug 2009 08:33:40 GMT

most of u guys know that i had to go to surgery because of my vocal folds. so last night was the first night after it and i didnt sleep so well. my throat hurts and feels still a little odd. but i think it will be ok. this morning i went to see another doctor because of the comlications with surgery yesterday. he told me that my voice probably wont heal completely. means no recording in studio for me. yami will kill me x__x.
the doctor made me try to speak.....that was pretty fun. because i sounded like an alien ^^. he said i am not allowed to talk for another 2 weeks AT LEAST.if this stuff is really as worse as the doctors think, i will have problems with my voice n stuff for my whole life. like i wont be able to scream or something like that. but i dont think thats a big problem. so thats that.

if i can find the time and the itch i may do some new photos in the next weeks. but we´ll see.

i´ll keep u up to date.

shopping + grannys packet

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 20:16:48 GMT

so guys. finally something new to tell u^^.
busy days these days...but today was my day off and i had some time for myself.
i went to see my brothers <3 and i met some friends for a liiittle shopping tour.
i bought nothing special. just some stuff for school and some stuff for my pencils ^^.

beside that i got another of grannys so beloved packets ^w^.
thats what was in there:
- chocolate *w*
- soup
- a grapefruit *__*
- home made jam
- a small cake (home made too <3)
- a new waffle maker for me *W* yeay.
if there is something i am good at beside art its making waffles!!

my grandparents visited disney land with my brother but without me. so they brought some stuff for me with them.
that was so cute and i was really surprised.
thats what i got from there:
- a cowboy hat XD (thats an insider information XDD)
- some chocolate
- a mickey mouse soap
- and a big donald duck plushy *w* <3 <3 <3 <3 i love it so much. its soooo cute ^//////^

thanks to my beloved grandparents and my younger brother *w*. i love all the stuff i got!
and thanks granny and grandpa for the super delicious cake u make for me every time ^^.
thanks granny for the lots of chocolate i get from u even if u know that i am not allowed to eat that much. but we both
know i still do it XDDD.
a big thanks to my younger brother max too. who brought me that awesome cowboy hat XDD. thanks man u are the best X3.

thats it for today, guys. but i´ll be back tomorrow i think.

oh and...ryo i hope we talk tomorrow again...miss u allready ^w^.
chi, i miss uuuuuuuuuuuu
alex i miss uuuuuuuuu
kaku, i am waiting here in our closet for ur next day off XDDDDD.
yami, still in NY. i miss uuuuuu. hope u will be back soon. <3
dorian, sorry for the bad news today...T__T

good night guys <3

answering the questions

Wed, 29 Jul 2009 13:36:43 GMT

i am glad to tell u that i can sleep again. i found a way to answer all my questions and avoid anger, depression and sadness.
i become an mahayana buddhist.
i found out that this is the way of beeing that fits me most and can make me a better person AND which can answering my questions.
of course this isnt about just changing beliefs, its about taking another path and working and practicing to hold on to it.
there is a traditional ceremony i can take. and i will take it on my next birthday.
it will be great. i am sure about that.

and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY to the most wonderful girl in the world.
ALEX i will be with u 4ever

no sleep

Mon, 27 Jul 2009 22:42:57 GMT

i slept 4 hours in the past 2 days. one night i was completely awake the whole time and the other night i slept these really ridiculous 4 hours. u guys maybe wonder what it is that keeps bothering me...
questions
thats it. a lot of questions keep circling in my head. and i know they wont let go if i dont find the answers to them. some stuff happens these days and will happen the next months. its my father. the man i actually never met and never got to know. the man who doesnt accept me as his child. never did and never will. i have to do some paper work and i have to send him some forms to fill in because he doesnt pay the alimentation right. so i have to fight him again. have to face him and this story of my childhood. the story i wanted to kill, bury and forget and all feelings that come with it too. nobody of u guys knows the whole story and i am sorry that i have to keep it inside. just believe me that i have my reasons. the good think about keeping things inside is that u dont have to realize they are real. u can pretend that nothing happened, lie to urself. if u tell someone u cant do this anymore. u have to face that dark bloody mess u just vomited onto that someone. i´m not ready to face it but i wont lie to myself either.
all that stuff that happened and still happends gave birth to these questions, like:
-why doesnt he accept me as his child? whats wrong with me?
-why did my mother all these things to me?
-am i not talented enough? not intelligent enough? not good looking enough?
-what am i suppose to do?
-is the path, i have chosen, the right one?
-are my friends what they pretend to be? do they really love me?
-who was i? who am i now? who am i gonna be?
-what are the values i believe in?
-what am i fighting for?
-where do i want to end up with my life?
-what do i need to change?
-what do i wish for?
-whats life for me?
-is there maybe more then one truth behind my father?
questions and more questions, a few answers and more questions. if i can answer these i will be able to sleep again i think. i would be able to do a lot more then just sleep well. i think there is one important point, just one, and if i can find it in me i can answer all at once.

....

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 20:10:02 GMT

i hate argueing...

studio and another girls story

Thu, 16 Jul 2009 10:53:15 GMT

yes finally its planed. i will be in studio to do my stuff and stuff with the band the next months. pretty exciting and i hope we´ll do some great stuff together, yami XDD. i´m sure we will.

now the other thing:
to be honest its not "another girls story". u guys know that girl already from my tellings after collapsing in tears and so on. yeah she is the girl that broke my heart so bad and the reason why u all have to deal with my mistrust now. whatever. these things are past and i dont wanna look back at it. i thought i could go on and leave her just behind me. but i cant. now we are on the point where we try to find a level to be friends. yeah i know u all will roll ur eyes know and call me stupid. but doesnt everybody deserve a second chance? ok maybe it would be her 4th now or whatever. i am sorry i just cant leave her behind. i care about her and i really dont want her to leave. i want to find a level where we can be good friends again, where we can talk about everything again. i dont know if i can trust her like this but i think its worth trying. i hope. but i am also scared. yesterday i asked her to just tell me that she will try honestly to be friends and be nice and all that. but she couldnt... that scares me a lot and to be honest it makes me sad. it just sounds like she thinks its not worth trying. i dont wanna be the one who really tryes hard and then finally get punked again. this is gonna be her last chance i think. i know u guys heared me say that so often last year. but i try to forget about her in that way and all she did to me last year. and i did to her. i just wanna move on and show her the side she never knew befor. the side all u guys know on me. i know some of u, specially my close and loved ones, will talk a lot against it. but its worthless. i really wanna try to be friends with that girl. but it will need time...i will need time. i want to write a new chapter and erase the old one of this past time. i dont know if i´ll get all that. i dont even know if i am insane to try...but i want her to be part of my life. i hope she wont shit me... and i hope u guys can understand my decission and accept it. if its going wrong and she shits me again u guys are the ones who will listen to me and comfort me and catch me from fallen. i know that and i am thankful u´ll do that. maybe this whole thing is just something else i should listen to my friends and get rid of it. but maybe this is about a friendship that somehow belongs to me and her. beside that i cant find another explanation why this girl means something to me. i dont even know if she cares about me or whatever... we will see. i´ll keep u up to date. promise!

i care for her...like this....really.

tears and goodbyes

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 17:54:11 GMT

today was graduation day...yeah what to say. it was nice. really. to see everyone in that room together a last time. but its sad and finally i am crying. i thought i would go through the day without tears. but i didnt make it. i mean...yes of course i will stay in touch with my beloved guys. but we will never be a class again. thats really the sad part. and some guys i will see never again.
and its sad because i never see some of the teachers again. i am really not much of a person who loves to say goodbye to the people who mean a lot to me. some of the teachers cryed too. maybe i will write more about today tomorrow. for now its just too sad to talk about right now.

my report was ok i think. it could be better but i am fine with it.
its like this:
i have 3x C
6x B
and 1x A

and i passed the exam with a C. but u guys already know that.^^
so thats it for now.

home today / grannys packet

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 08:48:16 GMT

ok guys. lets see whats happening these days.
my fever is a little lower today but its still 40,2°C/104°F. and thats really high enough. my head hurts and my lymph nodes are swollen. because i am really not in the best condition i stayed home today. hopefully i can go to the graduation party tomorrow afternoon. but i think so. since yesterday 8pm i didnt eat a thing. really dont feel like eating. still drinkin lots and lots of tea to maybe get the fever lower. i hate to be ill. there is so much work to do and i cant do it. that sucks.
on sunday evening my grandparents called me and i told them that i got sick. i didnt expected my granny to send me a big packet XD. it arrived this morning. the mail guy woke me up with this pushy kinda way to ring on the door. as i opened the packet i was really....ahm...surprised XD. it was so fuckin full of stuff. my granny packed it really in an artistic way to get all the stuff in. ^^
thats what i got:
- chocolate, really a lot of it
- soup
- noodlesoup *w*
- fruits
- tea
- home made cherry cake *o* this cake my grandpa makes is the best in this world and the next!

i have to go out to get me some water to drink. i think i´ll go in the afternoon.
thats it for now. maybe see u later on again.

urgh.

Mon, 13 Jul 2009 13:18:42 GMT

still sick. high fever. feel horrible.
my brain is boiling...

...oh my...fuck u!

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 19:00:29 GMT

yes...i cought a nasty cold...finally. --..--

u have to be kidding me.. i hate to be sick.

today was that stupid party in school called "gautschfest". this sucked too.
i dont know why the fuck i went to be part of it. it was really...boring and it made my cold just more worse.
i should have stayed home. but whatever. one good thing on this whole day was that i got a kiss from
a special girl XDD. and another girl wrote me to get closer with me again. i didnt see her for a while.
yeah it seems like shane is back in my head. and i am glad that i am over these days where i missed some special things.

i have to get some rest now.

see u soon, guys

huh...

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 18:48:45 GMT

i watched sweeny todd today...and...it reminds me of a lot of things...i cant talk about them right now but they keep bothering me... something else happend yesterday...but i cant talk about that eighter....

creative days

Mon, 06 Jul 2009 15:00:09 GMT

i am soooo creative these days. i write songtexts like others write letters. its weired. like i have so much to say and so much to explain. its like a valve for every emotion, everything.
i can work up some stuff and see through things in a diffrent way. the first 2 songtexts are really sad. but i think the 3 one will be the opposite.

maybe u guys can hear some of the stuff in some time^^
see ya~

....

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 20:00:16 GMT

i feel...weired today.

i miss u alex. i want to talk to u. hopefully soon...

rockstar photoshoot

Fri, 03 Jul 2009 13:57:50 GMT

today i took some new pics. the last ones i took are a while ago now. now u all can have a look at the stuff i will wear at the graduation day. i loooove the red necktie *o*. i am so glad i finally brought it. at first i wasnt sure about it but this was the only right decission XD. on some of the pics is my bass. yeah it really is A BASS and i love it <3.
beside that i only got me some more icecream today but thats it.
i think i will use the weekend to relax, do some more artstuff and play bass.

i´m writing a songtext these days and i think it will be finished today or tomorrow. i hope my guys will like it....i am a little afraid ^^°.

ok thats it for today. the last thing i do is to show u my fav pic:

shopping

Thu, 02 Jul 2009 16:18:22 GMT

it was a really really hot day today...it was so hot that its not nice anymore u know what i mean? me and a friend started today at 11am with our fabulous shopping tour. and we where really fast! XD i had everything i wanted at 2pm. O_O thats a new record! because the graduation day at school is near by i needed to get me some special stuff. finally its a black shirt and a red necktie. so it went out like planned. and it wasnt that expensive. *__*. tomorrow i will take some new pics to show what it looks like^^. after we went trough the big mall we drove home to my friend´s to meet with her bf. him and me started to play super nintendo *O*. yeah i know its oooold but i still love it so much!!! honestly! and it was so much fun XDDD.

this evening i will get me some icecream and play some e-bass *o*.

thats it for today.

i will posed some pics here tomorrow. see u back then

exam stuff

Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:36:49 GMT

i did it. i passed the exam and i passed it pretty well. i didnt expected that XDD.

its raining outside right now and there is a thunderstorm right over my house it seems. today was really eventless. i´m going to go shopping tomorrow *o*. hope to get the things i want (and NEED).

i will give a report of it tomorrow. i promise ^w^