yeah so...hi guys XD. i am sorry for not posting that long. and i have to admit that my myspace blog is more up to date then my lj is ^^°.
that will never happen again XD i promise.
so whats up these days.... u can check my worse wednesday on my myspace blog:

www.myspace.com/harukosama

because i dont want to write about it again.... too bad.
my pc kind of exploded two weeks ago X_X and i feel sick and naked without it XD.
but whatever. i´m fine though. but i miss NANA because i cant write her on msn anymoreQ__Q NANAAAAAAAAAA...... beside that nothings new. just the same old song all day....school, homework, art, literature......i dont have much time for myself but for now i have enough sleep ^^°.

i promise i will post here more often again^^. love u guys <3. oh and: alex...u know i miss u more then anything <3<3, i hope u are fine.

- live ur life like u want to
- dont care about all the stupid things
- erase people who just dont deserve to be in ur life
- see that this life is too short to wast time
- do what ever u want and feel like
- not care about what other people think
- be ur own hero
- become what u feel like
- say "fuck you" to everyone who fucks u up
- rebel if u need to
- never lose urself
- get everything u want
- dream ur dreams and then live them

we just have this one chance

burning down bridges i build, erasing people from my life for now...or for longer..., praying for sleep, praying to not throw up the meals because of stress and depression, trying not to lose grip and "fall" off the overpass, trying to save the last pieces of a functioning life, a functioning self, a functioning body, trying to reach out for help, never finding some, begging for someone who understands, begging for honesty from others, hopeing for my eyes and my mind to find a way,
no way
nothing
just a hole
deep
black
cold
lonely
but silent
nice silence
closeing my eyes
fading away into silence

yeah...so...ahm...this day was soooo long and sooo fucked up.
the new school is so disgusting and its in a dangerous area x__x...
wtf...
and i am too tired to write... so maybe tomorrow

finally summer vacation is over and school will start tomorrow again. time went by so fuckin fast, i cant believe it. 3 and a half months to go til my birthday comes up x__x. and then the year is almost over too...that makes me kinda sad... at first i thought this summer would last 4ever...it definitly felt like it. whatever.

i´m curious about the new school and to see some of my friends again in class.i wonder what that year will be like...it will be a lot of work for sure.

yesterday was a nice day because i talked with ryo on the phone for loooooong XD. yeah we both forgot time ^^. its weird how natural it feels to talk to her and how much i love to make her laugh, but....i´m still not sure how to handle that situation... i guess time will bring the answer. ryo didnt feel so good yesterday and i am a little worried about her and how she feels today...i hope she is fine. ...i...have to admit that she makes me feel comfortable...i dont know how she is doing that, but the truth is she makes me feel better. still.....i dont trust her. i know this is stupid...but i cant do anything against it. i still need time to see that she really IS diffrent, even if she told me she wont break my heart.
i guess...maybe...it could be that..... possibly... i like her...

yesterday in the late evening, or better say night?, i realized something... kaku is allways right. its really true. he is allways right and thats way i´ll stop searching. he said i have to stop it and, as soon as i do so, everything would roll on its own. its hard for me to stop searching because of the story with the old man sitting on that bench in the park. i will never forget his face. this impression of utter lonlyness and something else...i dont know what, but...it was hard to look at this man without seeing myself in him, knowing his feelings so well and realizing that this is what i am so afraid of. the only things this man had where the bread, the birds and himself. but if u look at it another way aroung he didnt even had the birds. because they where only with him because of the bread. what makes it even more sad. this is my ultimate hell and the worsed thing that could happen to one. in hope that kaku is right again i´ll stop it, or try to stop it, and try not to think about it.
i know most of u guys wont understand that entry.
but i dont care much right now.

two more weeks to go til school is starting again. but i dont mind. what i do these last days isnt very intressting. i started to work on the kittchen and give it a new look. but that has to rest until the materials are arriveing. furthermore i am planing to change some things in my room. i´ll throw away some stuff and put in some new. it´ll look cool after remodeling. (^w^)d
what else to tell...ahm... its hot x__x. it really is and i am glad i dont have to go anywhere today. i hope my ryo will be online today. i miss her already. i guess we finally got one step further, but still...it will take long for both of us to decide or even know what to do or what we want. i dont know. we´ll see.

thats it for today.

i am sick.... i dont know what happened, but i guess its the stuff i got injected yesterday....so its the doctors fault that i am sick. everything hurts and my appetite is on vacation.

today was...a little odd. i dont even know how i came to that theme but this morning i started asking myself if i´m going the right way and making the right decisions. but after some text messeges with my friend henni i stoped scaring myself. she gave me new hope and comforted me again. thanks ^^.
i know that the way i chose is the right one, but sometimes i wonder about all the things that could go wrong n stuff. but everytime i end up knowing that the way i go is the only way for me. its everything i want and includes everyone i want to have in my life.
this feeling of beeing caged will make me go crazy and it will kill my talent if i dont break out. and the only way to do so is to follow the way i chose and step forward and not back. i am slightly aware how long this way might be, but the final length will show up with every step i go on. i know where i belong and this place is not here. for sure not.

most of u guys know that i had to go to surgery because of my vocal folds. so last night was the first night after it and i didnt sleep so well. my throat hurts and feels still a little odd. but i think it will be ok. this morning i went to see another doctor because of the comlications with surgery yesterday. he told me that my voice probably wont heal completely. means no recording in studio for me. yami will kill me x__x.
the doctor made me try to speak.....that was pretty fun. because i sounded like an alien ^^. he said i am not allowed to talk for another 2 weeks AT LEAST.if this stuff is really as worse as the doctors think, i will have problems with my voice n stuff for my whole life. like i wont be able to scream or something like that. but i dont think thats a big problem. so thats that.

if i can find the time and the itch i may do some new photos in the next weeks. but we´ll see.

i´ll keep u up to date.